Upstairs

1

It’s past midnight and there’s knocking coming from above. Our upstairs neighbors are insane.

I roll onto my side, burrowing deeper under the blanket to shield myself from some of the noise while Kim breathes slowly in and out, still fast asleep.

The knocking turns into the tapping of angry feet on uninsulated hardwood floors.

Every. Single. Night.

Once our neighbor’s tantrum finally climaxes with what I can only assume to be their broom clattering to the floor, Kim finally stirs.

“Miss Crazy at it again?”

“Yup. Knocking around as always.” She tends to get frustrated whenever her delusions refuse to listen to her demands.

“Try to get some sleep?” Kim’s hand blindly sneaks over to grab mine and I give it a squeeze.

“Wish she’d get some sleep instead. Think we can slip her some sleeping pills? Maybe a few too many even? Can’t exactly blame us for getting it wrong when we’re this desperate.”

The hand holding onto mine presses down hard in disapproval before pulling away.

“Don’t say that.”

Right. Miss Crazy can make a ruckus all night, but as soon as I suggest fighting back…It’s not like the landlord is going to do anything about it.

“You know I’m just kidding.”

I turn, facing the wall, and pulling my pillow over my head. It’s far too late in the night to deal with this nonsense.

With the commotion above losing energy, I force myself back into an uneasy sleep.

2

“I can’t believe they still haven’t kicked out those pigs above me.”

Of course, I had to run into Miss Crazy on my way back from the grocery store. And it’s not like she’ll care about the ice cream slowly melting away in my backpack – she wants to discuss her noise complaints now. She wants to tell me all about those idiot neighbors above her that keep waking her in the middle of the night with their ruckus.

And whenever I point out that she’s renting the top floor flat…Well, this is why she’s Miss Crazy, isn’t it?

“Ma’am, I—”

Her eyes are bloodshot and the bags beneath grow ever darker. Why no one has taken her to a home yet is beyond me. What is her family thinking?

“So sorry if you could hear me trying to teach our neighbors some manners.”

If she was as sorry as she claimed, she’d suck up her illusions and let me get a good night’s rest. But that’s yet another topic with which I’m bound to get nowhere with her.

“I don’t know how many times you need to hear this, Ma’am, but there is no flat above yours.”

I keep telling her, and all she’d have to do is check, so why won’t she? The stairs literally stop on her floor.

“Renèe?”

And there’s my savior. Kim to the rescue. This is the one moment where shouting my name through the entire stairwell is acceptable instead of a huge embarrassment.

“Welp, that’s my better half calling. I wish you luck with your quest.”

I leave Miss Crazy behind before she can stop me. With how poorly she’s doing at this point, I doubt she’d be able to physically stop me if she tried, but still.

After rushing up the stairs to our flat, I greet Kim with a quick kiss, pulling the ice cream from my backpack as soon as I’m inside.

“Want some half-melt? It’s like half-baked, but much more mushy.”

“Renèe…”

I know that look and I’m not about to get guilt-tripped into being nicer to Miss Crazy. I’ve heard that sermon one too many times.

“No, Kim. We both agree: the lady is nuts. Now, do you want ice cream, or should I finish the whole thing without you?”

For a moment, it looks like we’ll fight. Kim draws a breath, eyebrows pulled together, before relaxing again.

“Fine. I’ll take your bribe.”

It always works like a charm.

I grab two spoons from the kitchen before migrating over to the couch. With the ice cream between us, we each take a bite.

Now, if I wasn’t nursing an ever-growing headache from getting my sleep interrupted each and every night, I may have been able to enjoy the sweet mix of salt and caramel.

“Maybe I should call the police on her.”

Alas, my mind keeps circling back to that one, dreadful subject. She’s spreading her insanity like an illness.

“Miss Crazy?” Kim freezes, spoon in mouth.

“Yeah. They could scare her straight or something. Or maybe take her away to an asylum.”

“Renèe!”

“What?” It’s not like I’m wrong. If that lady keeps bumping around her bedroom every night, she’s bound to drive me insane in the process. People think neighbors going at it all night are bad? Boy, do I have a flat to trade with them.

“Maybe, if you didn’t get this hung up about it, you’d be able to ignore it more easily. I don’t even notice most nights.”

Kim trails off, sucking on the spoon before setting it down on the table. Right. As if not caring about the noise will make it go away. I’m sure the noise will get bored of bullying me eventually and move on to greener pastures.

“Whatever.”

What once was sweet and salty has developed a bitter aftertaste. We’ll leave the rest of the ice cream for another day.

“Maybe you should go to bed early tonight. You’ve got work in the morning.”

Ah, Kim. Voice of reason. If only that made a difference.

But at this point, just hearing that old witch hammer away at the floor up there leaves me wide awake and angry enough to evaporate all thought of peaceful sleep.

“I’ll try, but I won’t promise anything.”

No. Instead, I’ll use my phone to distract me from the topic that has taken up permanent residence in my mind.

It’s like Miss Crazy doesn’t just live above us, but has moved in with me, inside my brain. She’s living there, rent-free, and keeps banging at the walls until my brain explodes.

With a sigh, I get up.

Time to pretend that any of this will get better any time soon.

3

I must have fallen asleep at some point, and Kim must have crawled into bed without me noticing anything.

If Kim can enter the room without waking me, then why does that awful wench always manage to?

Footsteps trace up and down the room above us, followed by knocking on the walls, on their ceiling, on their floor.

Why on their floor? To annoy me? Is she doing this on purpose after all? If Miss Crazy is not in fact crazy but merely putting on a show to…to what? Drive me out of the house? Or maybe she’s doing it out of pure sadism?

Something scratches across the floor above us. Is she moving furniture in the middle of the night?

And through all of this Kim sleeps, oblivious like an angel.

I can’t take it.

“Kim?”

I give the motionless body next to me a shake.

“Kim, she’s dragging around her closet or something, how can you not hear this?”

It takes a moment for Kim to wake and sit up in bed, hair wild and eyes blinking.

“Renèe? What…?”

“Miss Crazy. She’s got a whole flippin’ renovation going on up there.”

“Try…counting sheep?”

Of course. Useless sleepy Kim. Too busy getting a good night’s rest to offer compassion or relief.

“Whatever. Go back to sleep if she isn’t driving you insane.”

What was I expecting? It’s not like anyone can stop Miss Crazy when she’s on one of her trips. She won’t even answer the bloody door for completely legitimate noise complaints whenever she’s going on one of her rants.

Already, Kim has retreated back into the comfort of our bed. When have the pillows lost their softness? When has this room turned from a sanctuary into hell?

I want to scream into my pillow as the pitter-patter of senile little feet upstairs continues to rob me of my sleep.

No. If no one can stop Miss Crazy, maybe it’s time to fight fire with fire.

I peel off my blanket, rushing out of the bedroom and to our supply closet. Miss Crazy isn’t the only one who owns a broom. This will show her.

Back in the bedroom, I bash the broomstick against the ceiling. Three, hard knocks. For a moment, Miss Crazy ceases her shuffling as Kim begins stirring again.

Then, she repeats my rhythm in a mocking display of ignorance. Does she think I’m trying to play a game with her at two in the morning?

My next attempt is fuelled by desperation, slamming the broomstick against the ceiling as hard as I can as Kim stares at me with wide eyes.

Instead of getting the message, Miss Crazy throws it right back at me. That insolent little—

Fine. Can’t repeat a rhythm with no end. I grip the broomstick tightly and begin wailing on our ceiling. Repeat this, Miss Crazy. I dare you.

“Renèe…”

At some point, Kim must have climbed out of our bed. Warm arms sneak around my torso and a head of soft hair leans against my shoulder, interrupting my barrage.

“Enough for tonight, hm?”

I…At least Miss Crazy hasn’t responded yet. Perhaps…

Kim flinches in my arms and I instinctively drop the broom to go for a tight hug as the entire apartment building shakes with a swift rumble.

“What…? Renèe, what happened?”

Then, there’s silence. Blessed silence.

“Maybe you made her collapse?”

Oh, Kim. Beautiful Kim with the worry and care for an insane person that has been robbing us of sleep for weeks.

“Maybe. Would serve her right.”

I maneuver the two of us back to bed before Kim can reach the mental alertness to call an ambulance.

“Better use this break to catch some sleep.”

4

“Renèe?”

Why? Why won’t anybody let me sleep?

“Renèe, you have to get up. Work and all that.”

Kim won’t relent, so I rise with a groan.

“I know, I know.”

I can’t just not work.

“But last night took the cake. If I have to listen to Miss Crazy’s feet or her stupid broom one more time, I’ll—”

What am I doing? Am I about to threaten murder?

“I don’t know. I’ll find us a new flat, regardless of how much longer it’ll take to get to work. I…I can’t.”

Why won’t anyone understand this? If this keeps going…If this is to be my life for the rest of my days…

I can’t let this happen.

“I don’t know. That noise last night was pretty terrifying. I wonder if she’s alright.” Kim’s hands are in my hair, combing through it with a grounding calmness. “I’ll check on her once you’re off to work.”

I’m losing my mind. Our insane neighbor is robbing me of my last functioning brain cells and Kim wants to check on her? Oh, Kim. If only I had your powers.

Whatever. I have to get ready for work.

5

Briefcase in hand, I make it out the door on time. With a brief peck on Kim’s cheek, I rush down the stairs. I don’t get far.

“So glad I could catch you.” The neighbor beneath our flat must have lain in wait for me. Is this about last night? Am I about to get blamed for what Miss Crazy made me do?

“Yeah, about the knocking.” Better to get ahead of her before she can launch into a tirade. “We really need to sign a petition or something. Miss Crazy upstairs is louder than ever, so I decided to give her a taste of her own medicine last night. I’m truly sorry.”

Well, I’m not sorry if this finally gets her to stop. Miss Crazy is a bit of a celebrity in our apartment building since she keeps running through the staircase to tell everyone about her horrible imaginary neighbors upstairs.

“Um, excuse me…I didn’t…I suppose it could have been raccoons or something, but…” If only she could stop beating around the bush so I can get out of this hellhole and into work. “There is no flat above yours.”